Author: Mindy Werder

The Power of Humility in Custody and Divorce Cases

Betty White’s rendition of “Get Low” in The Proposal is one for the ages. Most of us understand the song itself has very little to do with custody, divorce, or humility. But Lil’ Jon has unwittingly provided some of the best legal advice around when dealing with an emotionally-charged situation like divorce or custody: get low. Let’s work it out.

Humility is defined by Google as “a modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.”  Another source, the Bible, states: “do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment.” Romans 12:3.  Mahatma Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Jesus, Martin Luther King, and Abraham Lincoln will go down in history as some of the greatest leaders of all time.  They come from different backgrounds, different religions, and different ethnicities.  What is the one characteristic each of these individuals shares? Humility.  There are two main aspects of humility we can glean from their lives in our own efforts to “get low”.

1. Humility can feel like martyrdom: if you are in an emotional relationship or the aftermath of an emotional relationship, it can feel like you are the only one sacrificing when it comes to compromise. You may even feel like giving in or coming to an agreement with the other person is agony. Ye,t if you approach disagreements or discord with sober judgment, understanding how you contributed to the situation, you think more clearly and rationally. And good decisions come from rational thinking. Am I promulgating that you live in or agree to situations which are dangerous to you or your children? Heck no. But, instead of always placing blame on the other side for each issue you face, review your own actions with humility. It may not feel like it, but humility (“getting low”) is a powerful tool when used correctly.
2. Humility’s power may not be immediate, but it is lasting: when you think about the people listed above, most were not appreciated or praised during their lifetime. Rather, their impact was felt many generations later. J esus, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Ghandi, and Abraham Lincoln were so despised during their time that they were murdered. And yet, there are few humans who have had a greater impact on the world. In almost every custody case I have seen, the person who exercised humility during the hard times becomes the parent that the children eventually choose on their own. It may not happen immediately. It may not happen for years. But it will happen.

Getting low is hard (especially for those of us who know this song well, which also means our joints are not what they used to be). Getting low in emotional situations is even harder. But humility is worth the effort. And, humility will leave you, in the long term, 3-6-9 so darn fine.

My name is Mindy Werder, and as you may have already seen, I am a new attorney with Lynn Jackson. I have been practicing for almost nine years, and I have handled a gamut of family law issues in that time. Because of that oftentimes tumultuous tenure, I offer three words of advice taken from the great philosopher, Vanilla Ice: stop, collaborate, and listen. Let’s break it down.

Stop.

Divorce and custody issues are emotional. They involve the deepest parts of the human experience: love and children. And while there is no fault in feeling passionately about either or both, emotions cause unintended hurt, reckless words, and atypical reactions. When the rude email comes, when the phone dings with that tasteless text, or when the idea for a perfect low blow social media post arises, take a breath. Take a minute, an hour, or even longer. Respond with thought, if a response is necessary. The low road comes back to bite us in the end, and there is plenty of room on the high road. In the immortal words of Scott Hoy, made famous by Jimmy Fallon, “please stop”.

Collaborate.

According to Google, the definition of collaborate is to “work jointly on an activity, especially to produce or create something.” See generally Google, self-explanatory, available at google.com (in case you live under a rock). Whether you and your significant other have children, a business, wealth, or sometimes debt, you have created something together. And while we are here to step in if working jointly is no longer possible, feelings and money can be saved if you just give collaboration the old college try. As parents, we often forget the miracle that exists in our children. They are tiny creations. And these tiny creations benefit most when we as parents do everything in our power to work together. This will sometimes take time – wounds must oftentimes be healed and better methods of communication must be learned. But collaboration was worth it the first time, and effective collaboration will always be worth it in the future. 

And Listen.

Have you ever had someone truly hear what you were trying to say? Did you feel the empowerment that came from another person truly listening? It is a wonderful feeling to be heard. A lot of frustration can diminish to nothing when someone takes the time to listen. You can also learn a lot about someone else by simply listening. Listening can lead to revelations about another person, whether those revelations cause you to stay or to go. But taking the time and putting forth the effort to listen costs very little, and extraordinarily fruitful benefits could emerge.

The 2020s may not be ready for a re-emergence of parachute pants or any of the 90’s dance moves. We could, however, heed this dated advice from VIP Vanilla Ice: stop, collaborate, and listen.